Collectively, we are entirely transforming the way mental and physical health is spoken about and supported in the workplace. And this is necessary – data from our latest Workplace Health Report shows just how much stress from outside of work can impact life inside of work.
But what about an issue that impacts over 2.1 million people in the UK every year, yet receives very little airtime in the workplace?
Domestic abuse is an undeniably confronting topic that many are not in a hurry to talk about, and a lot of people probably don’t know how to talk about it in the workplace. So, it’s time we started that conversation.
Let me share my story.
I was in an on-and-off abusive relationship for nearly 4 years. But I didn’t know it, and it didn’t look like what I thought abuse should look like. For most of those years, there was no violence, but intense emotional and mental abuse. It was hell. I was addicted to the turmoil, and, like any addiction, it slowly destroyed me.
The abuse escalated until eventually, my partner assaulted me, and nothing in my life was ever the same after that. The relationship soon ended, but I want to make one thing clear: I did not end it. I was still committed to making it work. While he was attacking me, all I could think was, “How am I going to explain this to my family without them hating him?”. Abuse can rewire your brain.
The knock-on effect
Everything in my life became difficult to manage – especially work. I tried to leave my problems at the office door. I told my employers, who in some instances were supportive, and in others, not at all. One day I was at a work event while waiting to hear how my ex-partner had pled in court. I told my manager I would sit at the back during a panel in case the police called and I needed to leave. Her response to me was, “Can’t you just wait until the event is over?”. Yeah.
I didn’t feel like my assault was something anyone at work wanted to hear about or take seriously, despite the involvement of the police and the Crown Prosecution Service. For about 6 months, I had a panic attack in the office bathroom every day. I would cry quietly and when I left that bathroom, there wasn’t a single person I felt I could turn to.
So, what would have made a difference for me in the workplace?
Spotting the obvious and hidden signs
When it comes to domestic abuse, there can be obvious, physical signs like unexplained bruises, cuts, or other injuries. But some signs are not so easy to see – like calling in sick, running late, leaving early, low motivation and productivity levels, and taking private calls throughout the day to name a few.
If you know what you are looking for, you may be able to intervene. And if you do spot the signs someone may be in an abusive relationship, don’t brush it off. Trust your gut feeling.
By staying vigilant, following your instinct and approaching the situation with genuine concern and care, you can provide crucial support or even just offer a shoulder to cry on – all of which go a long way.
Empathy counteracts shame
I needed empathy from my work for what I had gone through, but my experience was very clinical. Someone committed a crime against me, but to everyone else, it just looked like “relationship problems”. This mindset often means people forget there is a crime taking place.
Had I felt my employers and colleagues empathised with the situation I was in, I would have felt less ashamed and more psychologically safe at work.
The best way you can convey your empathy is by listening and validating how someone feels. Never underestimate the difference a single compassionate conversation can make and how safe it can make a person feel (a person who could be in an actively dangerous situation).
The power of practical help and support
Allowing survivors time off is important to their recovery. Trauma is overwhelming and can lead to problems with executive skills (like planning, stategising and time management) – more commonly known as executive dysfunction. Giving survivors the flexibility to work from home (or a safe location), or to work part-time or shorter hours can help reduce this overwhelm and empower them to manage their wellbeing in a way that works for them.
It goes without saying that offering mental health support, services and resources is absolutely paramount. It would have significantly helped me while I was in “survival mode.” This is just one reason why organisations should be proactive and approach wellbeing through a preventative lens.
Having a diverse range of trained Mental Health First Aiders within the business, and ensuring employees know where to find them, can provide immediate help and shows survivors they have an ally at work – someone who cares for them and is there to support them.
Education, awareness and knowledge
Workplaces need to educate themselves about domestic abuse, from training on spotting the signs of different types of abuse, to how to communicate with and support survivors. We need to be doing more.
At work, we can also help drive awareness of things like Clare’s Law, which allows the police to disclose if someone has a history of abusive behaviour, or confidential outlets like Women’s Aid Survivors Forum where people can share their stories and learn from others. We need to know how to help, to truly help.
Seeing domestic abuse through the mental health lens
We urgently need to treat domestic abuse the same way we see and treat mental health. Because domestic abuse can be a life-or-death situation: on average, 2 women a week and 30 men a year are killed by their current or former partner.
And there’s still so much stigma and shame around admitting you are in an abusive relationship, trying to leave one, or even going back to one. That shame is an invisibility cloak abusers wear to shield the world from seeing who they really are.
Eliminating shame lifts the cloak so that all that is left is the reality of who an abuser truly is. This is scary, but it also enables survivors to reach out to someone for help. And if you are that someone, make sure you know what you are listening to and talking about. Because even at work, we can help save and change the course of lives.
Advice and help is a click away
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, leaving one or recovering from one, we recommend these services whether you are in danger or just need someone to talk to:
For women
- The National Domestic Abuse Helping by Refuge: 0808 2000 247
- Women’s Aid live chat service
- Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
For men
- Men’s Advice Line: 0808 8010 327 / live chat
- ManKind: 0182 3334 244
- Email: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
LGBT+ community
- Galop: 0800 999 5248
- Email: help@galop.org.uk
